Wednesday, March 23, 2022

Wisdom

I'm not sure why or when I imagined I was supposed to know things or have a "valuable perspective" to offer. Or, you know, some kind of wisdom. Ha.


Maybe that's what I thought it meant to "be a grownup." Maybe, too, that's a big reason I never wanted to teach or raise children--what on earth could I ever tell them that they'd find valuable?


Especially because I'm still figuring out the world myself, as I go along.


Speaking of which, today I find myself in a pickle. 


Things are changing, and by "things" I mean people, places, rules, markets, weather, and other things I cannot control. And I find myself feeling all colours of uncomfortable--sad, frustrated, apprehensive, angry, afraid. 


And also, things are NOT changing, and by "things" I AGAIN mean people, places, rules, markets, weather and other things I cannot control. Still feeling all the things.


Specifically, today I find myself thinking wistfully of six or so weeks ago, before I could accurately label a recent map of Eastern Europe. (I haven't studied one since Czechoslovakia.) I emphatically do NOT long for a return to that ignorance; however, I wish that a series of unprovoked war crimes hadn't brought that ignorance to my attention. A change I don't like.


Also today, we're having "a bit of a snow"--possibly the biggest of the season (though I think that every time the snow melts and then deluges us again). We've passed the equinox, we're officially in Spring, and the weather refuses to reliably warm up and offer buds and the like. A non-change I don't like.


Long-ago basic therapy taught me that when I'm out of sorts with one person/place/thing, it might be that person/place/thing. But when I'm out of sorts with every person/place/thing, it's probably me. 


So I'm going to make another pot of coffee and a toasted peanut butter/wild blueberry jam sandwich, turn on some music, and see if I can get Roy to dance with me. It should be good for a laugh, if nothing else. 


Is that wisdom? I don't know. But it's what I have to offer.